


168 Hours Without You

by diana_holland



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Death, Depression, Diary, Evil Queen - Freeform, Journal, Mention of Character Death, Once Upon A Time, Oncers - Freeform, Regina Mills - Freeform, Robin - Freeform, Robin Hood - Freeform, canon character death, diary entry, season 5, season 6, zelena mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-29 10:59:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19018549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diana_holland/pseuds/diana_holland
Summary: A one-shot diary entry from Regina's POV after Robin's death at the end of season 5.





	168 Hours Without You

May 15th

Hello again.

It’s been a week. Can you believe it? A whole week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds. And yet it feels as if no time has passed at all. I’ve just been stuck in an endless cycle of pain and emptiness, not knowing how much time I’ve spent zoned out before someone pulls me back to reality. This week has gone by in a blur of dull colors. Pages of this storybook continue to turn before I get a chance to even read the words. Everyone just keeps going on with their days as if everything is normal. As if there isn’t a void left in my life because of _their_ mistakes and pride. Because everyone else is fine. They’re just fine. They all have exactly what they wanted… I wonder what that’s like.

I can tell they’re watching me… testing me. They still think I’m going to return the barbaric life of murder and destruction. The Evil Queen will come back just like that, after I have spent so much time and effort pushing her down. You would think that they would trust me, these people who say they love me and care about me. These people who pretend to be my family are staring at me constantly as if I could snap at any second and turn a dwarf into a bug to squash. As if I have no willpower. As if I haven’t changed at all during the last few years. As if I have yet to learn my lessons from the past.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think about it (not that I’d ever tell them that). The trouble is, it was so much easier being evil. I had absolutely nothing to lose. I was the one crushing hearts, rather than mine being turned to ash…

No. I can’t do that to Henry. He trusts me to be the bigger, better person. He wants me to be the hero. I can’t have my son seeing me as a monster again.

After losing Daniel, I never thought I could love again. Even promised myself I wouldn’t. But then came Robin. And everything felt okay again. He made me _want_ to be a good person. He ~~’s so good~~ was so good. I pick up the phone to call him all the time. I get about 4 digits in before I realize no one will be on the other end of the line to answer the call. Hell, there wouldn’t be anyone on the other side of this life listening to me.

I’ve resorted to keeping busy with moving in Zelena and baby Robin, but she keeps wanting to “talk it out.” _Oh, Regina you’ll feel so much better if you talk about it. Oh, Regina it’s not good to keep things bottled up._ _Oh, Regina_ this and _oh, Regina_ that. She thinks we can bond over this “trying time that isn’t easy for either of us.” I’m ready to kick her out already and she’s not even fully moved in yet. Just has her damn boxes sitting all over my living room. I can already tell this isn’t going to work, but I’m trying to make amends. He would want me to make amends.

But I can’t help but think, as I lay awake at night with the other side of the bed growing cold, that the blame isn’t solely on that despicable creature from the Underworld. I could point my finger in any direction to accuse those around me. It wouldn’t help, though. It doesn’t stop the hatred I feel the most for the person who stares back at me when I look in the mirror in the morning. I can’t help but think, drowning in my tears I can’t show anyone else, that it should’ve been me. Robin is dead. He wasn’t the target. I was. But somehow, he’s dead and I’m alive. And it should’ve been me.

I have to go now.

~R.M.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments and kudos and check out my other work :)


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